Comparison is the thief of joy
“Comparison is the thief of joy” is a popular saying that I first heard John Cena use during a Jimmy Kimmel episode. Throughout my childhood, this message was drilled into my brain on many occasions — whether it was out on the cricket field, in the classroom, or more recently in the gym — comparison had always left me worse off and feeling sorry for myself.
Most of the time, we compare ourselves to others without even realizing it, using it as a way to see where we stand in social settings. When we’re uncertain about our abilities or opinions, we evaluate ourselves through comparisons with similar people (same demographic, social status, etc.) to, in a way, set a benchmark for our skills and abilities. However, like me and I’m sure many others, this can lead to feelings of jealousy and bitterness if done improperly.
The Trap of Negative Comparisons
Up until very recently, comparisons in the gym happened on a regular basis, always leaving me with a feeling of worthlessness.
“Oh, he looks awesome — I wish I looked like that,” or “I’ve got to be one of the smallest guys in here.”
These comparisons start out small, but once they start, it’s hard to find a way out of the negative self-feedback loop. By the end of my session, all I wanted to do was leave. And that sucks — the gym is a place I enjoy going to, something I usually look forward to. I would always compare myself to others and then try to focus on something else (distracting myself) – because I believed comparison is the thief of joy.
The Psychology of Social Comparisons
Luckily, one of my psychology units covered Self-Concept, which included Social Comparisons. I found out there are two main types of comparisons:
- Upward Comparisons: Comparing yourself to those you perceive as superior or better off.
- Downward Comparisons: Comparing yourself to someone perceived as worse off or less fortunate.
Downward comparisons can lead to a small, temporary boost in self-esteem, as it might make us feel better about our social status, skills, and abilities. However, it’s short-lived and won’t help your overall self-esteem.
Reframing Upward Comparisons
To leverage Social Comparison effectively, it must be an upward comparison. Find someone you look up to for any of a variety of reasons — for me, it’s someone who is physically bigger or more toned.
But instead of feeling sorry for myself, I learned to reframe my thinking and create positive feedback loops:
- “Wow, that guy’s so much bigger than me — I’m going to smash this session so that I’m a little closer to looking like him.”
- “They won us the game with how well they played — I’m going to train an extra day a week so I can play that well.”
While writing this, it seems so obvious. However, it’s a different story when faced with everyday comparisons. At first, it’s a mentally challenging task to go from self-pity to a desire to become better — but with time, positive thoughts will almost become habitual.
How I Broke the Negative Comparison Loop
To make sure I turned my negative comparisons into positive experiences, I used my thinking as a trigger.
Every time I compared myself to someone in the gym and started to think negatively, I made sure to make it obvious to myself that I was having negative thoughts. I would catch myself, take a deep breath, then reframe my thinking toward a more positive outlook — sometimes even tapping into a form of motivation.
Eventually, every upward comparison I made began to automatically result in positive feedback loops, helping me propel myself through life.
The Bonus: Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivation
These positive feedback loops also serve as a type of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation:
- Extrinsic Motivation: Can be leveraged by framing your thinking to align with something that you want to achieve — an external reward that you don’t yet have — for example, a better physique.
- Intrinsic Motivation: Can result from comparisons in the sense that it may realign you with your goals and internal motivations.
Final Thoughts – Is comparison the thief of joy?
To summarize: comparisons, a lot of the time, happen subconsciously — which means for the majority of people, they’re unavoidable. Luckily, this isn’t as bad as you may think.
With a little bit of reframing your thoughts to take on a more positive outlook, upward comparisons can be leveraged to give you an extra reason to work harder. They also lend you the opportunity to refine your positive thought loops and decrease how often you have negative, unproductive thoughts.
So next time you find yourself comparing — pause, breathe, and reframe. Turn that comparison into your next source of motivation.